|
| fuck.
I've been doing such a piss poor impression of myself lately. I've been feeling like I'm floating in the fifth dimension astral plane, and everything I touch crumbles in my hands. voices told me the right things, but they just bounced off and echoed into oblivion.
but, suddenly, an old familiar pair of eyes snapped open in my mind, and everything went quiet. These eyes, pure ecstasy, grey like "Ocean waves crashing on Rocks." sharp, intense. eyes that speak volumes. like the eyes of a possesed angel.
I remembered:
"I'm Alex Morris. What the fuck have I been doing?"
fucking up at a high rate of speed, that's what. Like I betrayed myself. like if you told your roommate "hey, I'm gonna lay down for a sec, watch over the flat yeah?" and you wake up in a hospital and your roomie says "I sorta blew the place to hell..."
yeah, that's how I felt about the state my mind was in. I was looking over my past actions saying "what the HELL were you doing alex? oh yeah, that's really good." I can recall 3 god-damn days of being back to who I was. In pensacola, the day before I saw Illy, and the two days I hung out with her. yeah, three days out of like 4 months. way to go.
you know how you wake up from a long sleep, and you say "where's the groggy 'idonwannagotoschooltoday.' or the magnetic pillow and gravity accelerated covers?" that's kinda how I feel.
I ask myself: what happened to your detachment? you know, the dark disinterest and dispassion and disregarding? where's your quick draw on the wit? where's your ability to parry the most serious of situations and questions? remember the Placid euphoric Zen Master that would've NEVER fucking EVER gotten upset? yeah, HIM, what'd you do with him? but most importantly, where's the Alex that showed the most emotion, caring, compassion, love and inspired the deepest loyalty with the least amount of effort, and a quick wink of the eye, and intertwining fingers. the one that wasn't afraid to make eye contact. the one that didn't live in fear, and had hope of hell and a fear of heaven? the one that stood like a calm patient wolf over the corpse of his god? you know, fucking Alex Morris.
Not this crybaby shell of a kid with a hole for a heart and a head full of mad dog's shit. Not the cowardly little creampuff made of glass. all see through and exposed, and so willing to shatter and splinter and cause as much shit to people as he can. Not this piece of shit who sits around all teary eyed, saying "I was doomed from the word go," and just sits around feeling sorry for himself while the world is falling apart around him.
I mean jesus christ, how the fuck could you guys put up with me? It's a fucking disgusting site.
ick. I hope that never happens again. shit.
| | |
| damn. what a year.
I won't be able to make my yearly update that goes unread, so I'm doing it early.
I'm hoping I'll be spending the holidays with this girl. In Florida.
I've shut out everybody. and it's been one of the best decisions I've made in a long time.
It's something that's hard for me to put into words. but I'll try.
you see, this year, I started dating this girl. this girl was, and is, everything to me. she has these deep blue eyes that are like pinwheels. I look at them, and it's like looking into a swirling ocean. and her lips always curve this smile that can make my world. it's by far the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. and this girl is, in her own way, as damaged as I am. I connected to her on this...deep emotional level. something I NEVER dreamed possible.
I am Alex. I am unloveable. I'm always going to be alone. I'm always going to fake smiles and tell everyone "I'm fine." or "I don't want to talk about it." ...right?
enter Illanya Graham. The closest thing to heaven that I'll ever know.
Illanya, with her perfect flaws, and way of making me feel like a unique snowflake of special specialness.
Illanya, the only girl who can make me look at myself and go "well...that's not so bad."
Illanya, the girl I can look at and whisper in her ear and say "I am Jack's undying love."
I can laugh, cry, be angry at, etc.
anyway, this girl and I start dating. and...I kinda ruined it. more than once. I didn't understand that she REALLY DOES love me. she's not just telling me that. she really. loves. me.and my instinct was to hate her for this. to hate her for loving me. because if you love me, you love my worst enemy. but, then I stopped being such a fucking cunt. her and I fixed it. and it was beautiful.
she goes to basic. I write her everyday. I still write her almost everyday. I just don't send it.
I see her graduate from the Parris Island boot camp. and she comes home.
she is being very distant. robotic. and...I'm afraid they've broken her. I was afraid they took Illanya graham. with her...alluring everything, and smashed her into bits. and put this robo-graham in her body. I cried. she told me that I was weak. I still don't think I was out of line. I felt like someone died. but that night...everything was made better. and I'd like to think I brought the human out in her. she explain about being a robot. about how it's all orders, no questions, and being treated sub-human. but we bonded so much that week. we explored deep caverness depths of the others love. she said I was one of the only things that made her feel...and she's the only thing that makes me feel.
so she goes to MCT. I write her everyday.
she goes to Pensacola. things start to fall apart. because everyone's distilled this "oh, you know she's going to leave you." fear in my mind. armies of my friends telling me that the love of my life was just a lie. and that now she's going to dump me for a hardbody marine. I refused to believe it. I blocked it out, but it had already done it's damage. they drowned me in a sea of doubt...
on top of thousands of horny marines wanting to get in her knickers, she didn't need me bothering her. and I didn't understand.
she explained that I was a loser. that I was going no where. that she was successful, and she didn't want to be with me if I just wanted to roll over and die.
for a month, I didn't know what to think. until, that is, a few days ago. and in this "what the hell...I thought I was loved? Am I loved? was it a lie?" fog, I let things fall apart even more. I wasted precious time.
but not anymore. I did something that centers me. I centered myself.
to say that I'm in High Gear would be an understatement.
I'm tearing at the gate, waiting to be set loose so I can slaughter all the others in the coliseum. There's blood in the water. and I'm flashing my best I-am-not-a-shark smile. I'm a wolverine. I'm a neat and tidy monster. I'm a sea monster. I'm in love, and am willing to do anything to prove that.
I locked myself away from everyone. I put my mask back on. that old vintage Alex Morris, "I don't talk about my problems. Talking about them won't fix them. I deal with them myself, and I don't need your help."
but this time, I've done something different.
as I lay in my emotional vault, I installed a little key hole. with a little inscription, that says "hey illanya. come on in."
because I want to show her how strong I can be. I want to show her the changes I've made to better myself. I want her to see what I see when I look in the mirror. I want her to see that...
I'm fine now. and it's because of you. please, stay.
but, I must accept that idea that she may not want to stay. she may take one look at my changes and say "looks like you're well suited to be on your own now. good-bye."
and I'd take it in stride. seal my door back. and occupy my time.
because I know something that most guys don't realize.
Illanya Graham is a gift to the world. she's an unfortunate angel who has to spend some time here. she's the closest thing I've had to a relgious experience. from her laugh, her smile, her words, oh man, and her art. she's such an amazing artist. I'm a huge fan. I have some of her best works.
I'm the luckiest motherfucker in the world. I'd die to relive the past year of my life. god, if i died, and could relive the past year, it'd be heaven. that would be my heaven.
"If I knew it'd be this way, I'd do it all again. But I'd only change one thing. If I was given every chance to change, then I'd make it a point, to smile everyday."
Illanya- If you're reading this,
I love you. You mean more to me than any person I've ever met in my life. I'm sorry for the turmoil I caused.
I promise, I CAN make you as happy as you once were with me again. I can. and I will.
When I said I'd wait 4 years, I meant it. I meant it to my core. I'll keep the world away, and reserve you a spot, next to me. I'll step out of the vault, and greet those who love me. because when I'm with you, I don't need the vault. When we're "Alex and Illanya" nothing can touch me.
but, more than I want you to myself...I want you to do what makes you happy. it's just, I want to be the one that makes you happy again. I miss the way I could count on your love and support.
I wasn't alive until I met you.
Where ever you are, whatever you're doing, I still love you. and I'm still waiting on you.
I'm stronger than you think.
I love you babe.
"New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring, on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
say I love cops, for anyone but me
Your private eye."
*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´
(¸.· ·¸.·´¯`·->---Alex
| | |
| so, this year has been...hell to say the least. I've lost more than i could have ever dreamed possible, i've fought harder than i have in a long time...
I can't keep doing this. I can't keep tricking myself into believing there is hope. I can't keep tricking myself into thinking that she still thinks about me sometimes, or that there is hope for us to try again, or anything like that. this isn't the movies. the guy doesn't get the girl.
in fact, the girl chooses the guy that you can't compare with, and have no hope of being better than. and all you can do is be happy that she doesn't have to put up with your fucked up shit anymore. good for her.
"I am Jack's inflamed sense of rejection."
so i'm doing what i know to do. what i always do.
I'm letting go.
"What Tyler had created was the shadow of a giant hand. Only now the
fingers were Nosferatu-long and the thumb was too short, but he said
how at exactly four-thirty the hand was perfect. The giant shadow hand
was perfect for one minute, and for one perfect minute Tyler had sat in
the palm of a perfection he'd created himself.One
minute was enough, Tyler said, a person had to work hard for it, but a
minute of perfection was worth the effort. A moment was the most you
could ever expect from perfection."
"I used to work in a funeral home to feel good about myself, just the fact that I was breathing."
"You see those cars that are completely stock cherry, right out of a dealer's showroom in 1955, I always think, what a waste." "Nothing is static. Even the Mona Lisa is falling apart...I can wiggle half the teeth in my jaw. Maybe self-improvement
isn't the answer. Maybe self-destruction is the answer."
"
Only after disaster can we be resurrected.""It's only after you've lost everything," Tyler says, "that you're free to do anything."
"New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring, on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
say I love cops, for anyone but me
Your private eye."
*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´
(¸.· ·¸.·´¯`·->---Alex
| | |
| about a year ago...I got this Xanga because my girlfriend left for AGS...
A year later, i'm using it because my girlfriend left...
it seems she never wants to spend summers with me...i'm that bad.
I'm dying here. I always thought it was worth it to work through the hard times and the doubts...because i knew if i left, it would be the biggest mistake of my life...there were times when i wanted to leave...but never forever...not like this...apparently i'm not worth it...i'm not worth it...I used to think we were each others world's...I know she was my world and beyond...and now I am nothing to her. drowning in my own insignificance...
I usually run away when this happens...I run. I hit bottom. because when you're on bottom, you can know it can't get any worse...my mistake was i took comfort in knowing it couldn't get anyworse, then with that comfort things got better...What goes up, must come down. the constant cycle of birth, death, and rebirth....but...I can't run now...She won't let me run...and I don't want to run...I want to snuggle up again. I want her to say "I'M FWEEZING HONAY!" and use my body warmth....but things are cold here in hell, because i knew hell would freeze over before she left...and my bodywarmth is gone...
I want to go back. I want to erase. I want to make her happy...When she said "I wish i'd never fallen in love with you..." I was destroyed...but not to be reborn. after disaster, we're reborn...but I don't want to be...I'm sick of this inexerable cycle..."I wish I'd never fallen in love with you...Then this would be easier..." and here I am...blind sided. T-boned. caught by such "suprize." but this is my fault. she felt pressured into staying with me...(probably for this reason) and either way...i'm devistated...my heart isn't broken...My heart is like 2 things...
- Chocolate....because it can be bitter, or sweet, and it melts when she's around...
- an unbalanced chemical equation...but she brought balance to me...she had enough love (protons) to counter act my self-loathing (e-) but now....I (nuetrons) am being destroyed...falling apart...in other words...my heart is not just broken...it's diffused and destroyed down to a sub-atomic level...
I used to have Love beyond words...it was just a feeling...but now...it's just pain...
I'd say all the words that I know...but that wouldn't begin to describe this...It's homecomming in hell...
| | |
| so yeah, i hate...this.
everyone in my family is pissed due to alcohol.
megan is pissed because someone drank her, oh-so-precious Vodka
mom and dad are pissed because dad drank the vodka, and to deal with it, they get loaded on more booze because that's all the know how to do. i'm the only person in this dis-FUCK-tional family who doesn't drink/smoke/do drugs or any of the three. i hate this family.
"New Year's Eve was as boring as heaven
I watched flies fuck on channel 11
There was no one to kiss, there was nothing to drink
Except some old rotten milk someone left in the sink
And there's no ring, there's no ring, on the phone anymore
There's no reason to call I passed out on the floor
Smoked myself stupid and drank my insides raisin dry
But at the right place at the right time
I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine
I won't have to quit doing fucked up shit
For anyone but me
And the right place at the right time
It will have been worth it to stand in line
And you won't have to stop
say I love cops, for anyone but me
Your private eye."
*´¨)
¸.·´¸.·´¨) ¸.·*¨)
(¸.·´ (¸.·´ .·´
(¸.· ·¸.·´¯`·->---Alex
| | |
|
